The lemon tree looked amazing when I bought it from the nursery. It was young and healthy with two massive lemons bulging from the top – this tree could’ve made the cover of Big n’ Busty Double-D Citrus-O-Rama (a popular lads’ gardening-mag back in the ’80s). So I planted the lemon tree in my backyard and within a week both lemons had fallen off, the trunk had wilted, the leaves were brown and crackly – it could’ve made the cover of Skinny n’ Sickly Unfruiting Saplings.
I showed the dying tree to my wife: “Look” I said, “This isn’t right. I reckon the nurseries spray their plants with a mysterious substance to make them look amazing when you buy them, then they die as soon as you bring them home” and she said “Yeah … I believe it’s called water”. I said “Oh …yeah. Water may have helped. But they definitely spray on something else as well. Though water would’ve been good. Fair point.”
But I’m still pretty sure about my theory. I believe there’s a secret chemical compound that the general public don’t know about – I’ve called it BrNeLr D3Ts (Brand New, Looks Right. Day Three, Turns Shite). The nurseries spray it all over their young plants so customers have to keep coming back to buy new ones (those nursery workers are ruthless greedy plant-killers – don’t be fooled by their friendly smiles and flippy-floppy ponytails).
It’s not just happening in nurseries either: clothing retailers are also spraying BrNeLr D3Ts on their wares. I bought a new T-shirt recently and it looked great on me in the store – even the salesperson said it made me look youthful and lean-figured, and they’re a clothing-professional, they know what they’re talking about, why would they lie?
But when I tried on the T-shirt at home, the colour was insipid, the fabric was itchy, it hung too long – it was way down below my knees like a modest 1940s summer dress. What was going on? How did this T-shirt transform? I couldn’t even walk around the house: there was limited stepping-room – my legs had to shuffle back and forth in tiny steps like a pair of scissors in a sock.
Electronics retailers spray it onto electrical goods. I went to an electronics store and said to the sales assistant, “Show me your finest TV soundbar, that is also your cheapest”. So he showed me a demo model on a shelf, turned up the volume, and the sound seemed pretty good – from what I could hear over the two dozen other soundbars playing at exactly the same time, at full volume.
So I bought it, brought it home, and within a week the treble started crackling, the bass disappeared,…